Do or Die Read online

  I remember as a child growing up, working in the bulb fields in St Margarets’s all day long for pocket money, and then spending it all in the farmer’s shop before I went home. Got it in one hand, gave it back with the other. During the summer holidays, the farmer would wait each morning at the bottom of McKelvey Avenue in his tractor and trailer, and wait for the kids to pile in. It was a novelty to us back then, even if it meant that we would spend most of the day on our hands and knees sifting through the clay and filling the buckets with bulbs. We thought it was fun. The money that we received was pitiful. It probably cost my mam more to replace the clothes that we destroyed, as they would get covered in mud. Those years were the best years of my life, so I guess some of these kids will look back someday and probably have similar memories of the fun they had working on the milk round.

  On a few occasions I went to Premier Dairies on the Finglas Road with Brian so that he could drop back any unwanted milk or pay a milk bill at the end of the week. I don’t think that he was popular in the dairy yard. I remember on a couple of occasions a few of the helpers on different milk agents’ rounds referred to Brian as ‘Johnny Handsome’. When I asked Brian what they meant he was reluctant to answer. He didn’t look too happy about their comments. After giving it a couple of minutes thought, it was obvious to me that they were slagging him. Brian would not have been considered good looking. He suffered with very bad acne as a teenager, which left his face very badly scared.

  The first few months in the cottage had passed quickly. Brian and John were still collecting pallets and our front drive was full of them. I hated the look of them piled outside the house. As it was not illegal to collect them, I thought it was fine, until one evening Brian and John went out late in the evening and came back to the house hours later with both pick-ups piled high with pallets. They were laughing and joking It later came to light that they had stolen them from a pallets yard on the south side of Dublin. When they had offloaded all the pallets from both of the vans and Brian had invited John in for tea in the kitchen, both of them still laughing, I discovered exactly what they had been up to as they talked openly about stealing the pallets. I couldn’t believe they had robbed them. I was furious, but my objections went unheard. Brian and John seemed really pleased with themselves. I left them to it – laughing and joking in the kitchen.

  They were spending a lot of time together and I thought that Brian was becoming a bit distant and disrespectful with me. I remember one night we were both in bed and I was just about to fall asleep when I was startled by the roar of an engine and bright lights sliining in through the bedroom window. I jumped up out of the bed, but Brian told me to relax as it was only John.

  What the hell is he doing here at this time of night?’ I snapped.

  ‘Go back asleep. He’ll be gone in a few minutes,’ Brian barked back at me.

  I lay back down on the bed, but I got up after a few minutes because I wanted to see what was going on. As I entered the kitchen I could see John unwrap what looked like a sod of turf. It was in fact a bar of hash. He did not even acknowledge me. They continued talking as if I wasn’t there. John opened the microwave, placed the bar of hash inside it and then turned it on. I could not believe my eyes. He then took it out and cut it in half with a large breadknife and handed half to Brian. He placed the other half in his coat pocket, put back on his motorbike helmet, and, as quick as he had arrived, he was gone. What were they thinking? What had Brian got himself involved in?

  What are you doing Brian? That’s hash?’ I asked.

  ‘It’s just a bit of blow that John got me for Paddy [not his real name],’ Brian explained.

  Paddy was one of Brian’s friends. Straight away I knew that he was lying Paddy would never involve himself in anything like that. Paddy’s and Brian’s lifestyles were worlds apart. Not only was it a lie, it was a bad lie. We argued for a while and then went back to bed. I still couldn’t believe that Brian was doing this and that he was so relaxed about it. I was so angry. I didn’t get much sleep that night.

  The following morning I got up and went to the bathroom. As I looked in the mirror I could see that my baby was growing. My tummy was beginning to squeeze out through my pyjama buttons. I was looking forward to meeting this little person. Brian had gone to work during the night to deliver the milk. I was still fuming about John’s visit the night before. I got dressed and brought Robyn to school. Later that evening, I discussed the hash with Brian. He told me that it was a one off. I really hoped so. Unfortunately it wasn’t.

  Over the coming weeks, this recurred a couple of times. As a result, Brian and I were arguing a lot. Things were getting bad and I was beginning to worry a lot. I didn’t want drugs in my home, especially with Robyn in the house and a baby on the way. I was also worried about the change in Brian. He was beginning to show a side of himself that I had never seen before. Some days I tried to humour him, especially when I thought that he was getting agitated with something.

  I never really knew much about Brian’s past; he never gave much away about it. I remember his mother telling me of an incident that occurred when Brian was a young teen. He had been drinking with friends and had got himself into a state of oblivion. She told me that he stole an ambulance from a northside hospital. He had driven it out of the hospital grounds and crashed it. Luckily, nobody was injured but himself. The gardaí were called. I don’t know if he was arrested or fined, or if, because of his age, he just received a caution. It was never spoken about after that. I never brought it up with Brian. She also told me about an incident that occurred on the school grounds when Brian was a student. His mam had been called to the school because Brian was causing problems. He had managed to force another pupil’s head through the metal railings that surrounded the school grounds. The fire brigade had to be called to free the boy. I remember Brian laughing as his mam told me the story. At the time I put it down to adolescent stupidity. I guess that there were many more stories that I was never told. Brian’s past seemed to be very deeply buried and forgotten.

  Even though there was some tension between us, we were looking forward to having a new family member. Robyn was looking forward to having a brother or sister at last. She had always wanted one and always wanted to be a big sister. I knew she’d make a wonderful big sister. I was glad she was so pleased about my pregnancy. Though I was excited about the baby, I was growing increasingly worried that Brian was going to land himself in deeper trouble, possibly with the gardaí.

  The next couple of months passed and everything was going well with the pregnancy. I was taking care of myself: eating the right foods, keeping my ante-natal appointments and resting when I could. I continued to work though, and my colleagues took it easy with me. They were very supportive. They covered some of my chores when my tummy started to expand outwards so that I could not bend and would eventually not be able to see my feet. They had a great time jeering me over that. I went on maternity leave in September and had every intention to return to work when my leave was over.

  I continued to work alongside Brian collecting the milk money every Thursday and Friday. Joseph O’Callaghan (Joey) was one of the young lads that collected the money with us. He was a pleasant young lad, and I really took a liking to him. We laughed a lot together. Joey and I covered the Porterstown and Clonsilla areas. We would make our way on foot, knocking door to door. We always had a laugh when we worked together. But it was getting harder for me to walk as my due date approached. I had to stop going on the milk collections. I was no longer able for the long walks as I found them exhausting. I’ll always remember doing those rounds with Joey. He was good company.

  Brian continued with his milk round and young Joey helped out. Joey delivered the milk in the mornings before school and over the weekends he helped Brian to collect the milk money. Brian had brought Joey to our house on a couple of ocassions and sometimes he would share breakfast with us before heading home to Blakestown. Brian had also started to bring young Joey out with him in hi
s search of pallets. John was still showing up at the house, but now it was just the odd time. John and Brian discussed the pallets but I never heard hashish being brought into the conversation from that point onwards. I was glad. I hoped that was the last of it.

  Sometime in October, late one evening, a young man named Paul [not his real name] came to visit Brian. He worked with Brian at the dairy yard. Immediately, I knew something was wrong. I could tell he had some kind of addiction. His eyes were deep-set, his face was drawn and his speech slurred. I did not know much about drugs. I had only ever taken Anadin and aspirin, and I was sure that this guy was on neither. Then came the all too familiar sound: Brian’s explanation. He told me Paul had fallen out with his dad and that he was putting him up for the night. I did not want a complete stranger staying in my home, and was not happy that Brian seemed fine about it. I didn’t like the way that he was putting a junkie’s well-being before Robyn’s and mine. He was bringing a strange man into what was supposed to be the safe environment of my home, and my little girl was sleeping less than twenty feet away from him. I was heavily pregnant and felt very vulnerable. Brian would be heading out on his milk round at about 3.00 a.m. He said that he would bring Paul with him. I went to bed feeling disgusted. I lay awake until I heard the two leave during the night: keeping one ear on them and the other on Robyn.

  Brian didn’t come home from work the next day or that night. I was getting worried as he was not answering his phone. Luckily for me, I had recently bought myself a new mobile phone, just in case of an emergency. I was left isolated with no means of communication with anyone. I had no neighbours to run to and no transport. I slept in the nursery that night, upright on a wicker chair with my legs propped between the bars of the cot. The nursery faced onto the forecourt and the pebble-stone drive. I sat in the dark, and watched and waited until I eventually fell asleep. I awoke the next morning to the noise of keys tapping loudly on the window. It was Brian’s dad, Billy. It was pouring rain outside, so I made my way quickly to the back door to let him in. I was really stiff from sleeping in the chair. I knew he was wondering why I had slept there, and as there was no sign of Brian’s pick-up, he put two and two together. He also tried to reach Brian on his phone and got no reply. I made some tea, and we sat and chatted and waited for Brian to return.

  Billy stayed with us until late into the day. I did not send Robyn to school that day. I didn’t want to leave the house for fear that something bad had happened to Brian. Billy didn’t seem that worried. He was confident that Brian would return in one piece. It was five o’clock in the afternoon when Billy decided to head home. He told me to ring him if there was any problem. Robyn sat at the kitchen table slowly putting together a Barbie jigsaw I laughed to myself, as she lost her temper through her confusion, and tried to force the pieces into place with her tiny fist. I had the dinner on the cooker; everything was just about ready — potatoes, broccoli, peas and lamb chops. There was still no sign of Brian. I tried to reach him on the phone, to let him know that dinner was ready, but I got no reply. It was six o’clock when we sat down to dinner. I saved some for Brian, and put it aside so that he could have it later.

  I could not understand Brian’s behaviour at all. He had become distant and unconcerned. Things were going all right for us both, or so I thought, but I could see changes in our relationship. Sometimes I blamed the pregnancy, thinking that maybe Brian was growing a bit anxious about the birth and his new responsibility. Other times I blamed my hormones. I also knew that things were not always running smoothly with the dairy; some weeks the amount of milk that customers needed would be up, and some weeks down. Although there was always cash flow through the week, there was always an outstanding bill at the end of it too. Like everyone else, we had good weeks and we had bad.

  The hours passed and still there was no sign of Brian. Robyn had gone to bed. I was still sitting watching television when I heard the wheels of Brian’s van come into the drive. I tried to lift myself out of the chair to head to the back door to greet him, but before I could get up, he raced into the living room with his head in his hands — he was crying.

  I was pleading with him for an explanation. Still crying, he told me that I would not believe what he had just witnessed. He told me that he had been with Paul and that Paul had nearly overdosed on heroin. For a moment I thought that he was going to tell me about some terrible accident, but to me this was shocking. We were shouting at each other now. I asked him why he was with Paul. Was he taking drugs? He said he wasn’t. I asked him what was his interest in Paul. I wanted to know, and I was afraid that my intuition was correct. I thought, first the hash and now this. When I accused him of dealing, he went ballistic and got very defensive.

  We were still shouting at each other as he made his way quickly to the back door with me following him. In my frustration I picked up an ornament and threw it in his direction, deliberately missing him. It hit the wall, knocking a large piece of plaster to the ground.

  What came next was unforeseen. I could see Brian’s expression change as he lunged forward and grabbed me by the hair. Then I felt his hand come down hard on my face. He loosened his grip on my hair and tossed my head to the side. I lost balance and fell across the dining table and chair. Robyn had been woken up by all the shouting and screaming. She was standing at her bedroom door, crying as she witnessed her mammy being attacked. I could hear her cries, but I couldn’t go to her, as Brian still had me at his mercy. I pleaded and pleaded with him to let me go. I was in agony and so frightened. I wanted to comfort Robyn, but most of all I wanted this nightmare to end.

  He was like a wild animal. He took my hand and twisted it, burning the skin around my wrist. It really hurt. I was in a lot of pain.

  ‘Let go, let go. You’ll break my hand!’ I screamed. Tears were rolling down my face. I was traumatised by Brian’s violence.

  ‘I won’t; I know how far to push it before the bone snaps!’ he sneered at me. ‘You whinging bitch,’ he growled, before finally letting go of my hand. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. The man who was supposed to love me had attacked me — in front of my daughter. The father of my child had beaten me when I was carrying his unborn child.

  He left and went into our bedroom, closing the door behind him. Robyn came and knelt beside me, still sobbing. She gently stroked my hair with her little hand to sooth me. I noticed that bunches of my hair were coming away in her hand and she was looking at me with a frightened look on her little face. How did this happen? Why did this happen? I was shocked. I was saddened. I was horrified. I was also in a lot of pain and sick with worry about my baby. Had the beating hurt my baby?

  Brian left the house that night and arrived back the next morning after he had finished his milk round. But he was late. Billy had arrived at the house before him. We sat in the kitchen chatting. I never mentioned the attack on me the night before, and I told Robyn not to say anything either. We were both still in shock and comforting one another. Billy asked why Robyn was not in school. He then realised that Brian had not arrived home in time. He offered to bring her, and I accepted. I also told him that I had my antenatal appointment later that morning. He offered to take me if Brian had not returned by then. It was then that I heard Brian’s van pull into the drive. He came into the kitchen by the patio doors and sheepishly looked at me. He was probably wondering if I had said anything to his dad. After a few seconds he realised that I hadn’t, and he let out a sigh. He looked at his watch and told me that it was nearly time for my appointment at the maternity hospital. He said he’d just get himself ready and would then bring me.

  Billy took Robyn to school in his car, and Brian and I headed for the maternity hospital.

  The journey into town was quiet, with neither of us saying much. I was anxious to get the doctors to examine me as I was worried about the night before. I prayed that my baby was OK. I was about five-and-a-half months regnant, and I worried that my baby may be affected by my stress.

  Thankfully, I
got the all clear from the doctors. Everthing seemed fine: my blood pressure and bloods were all normal. I remember feeling relief as I left the hospital, but I also remember feeling upset and let down and also quite vulnerable. The journey home was also silent. Brian dropped me back to the cottage. Before he left he told me that he would collect Robyn from school later that day. I was relieved that my baby was OK, but I was still numb with shock. I couldn’t believe what had happened the night before.

  At some stage later in the day, Brian arrived home with a huge bunch of flowers. He cried and begged for forgiveness. He also pleaded with Robyn, and treated her to a McDonald’s Happy Meal, which she discarded on the kitchen chair. She barely touched it. We had all lost our appetites that day.

  Life continued as normal for the rest of the week, with Brian on his best behaviour. He couldn’t do enough: fixing up the house and yard, running errands and so on. Nevertheless, deep down I still felt the hurt and my trust in him was gone for good. I knew that I would never look at Brian in the same way. My respect for him was gone. I felt like I was walking on eggshells and that he could explode at any minute. I was now very wary of him. Despite this I didn’t think of leaving at that point. I was heavily pregnant and felt that I was in a very vulnerable situation. Where would I run to? I prayed that it was only a one-off attack and that it would never happen again. I had never seen that aggressive side of Brian before and neither had Robyn. I found myself trying to make sense of what had happened and I tried to reassure Robyn that everything would be OK. It was the first time that Brian had attacked me — but it was not going to be the last.